Dearest Gil,
by charlibubble
Summary: Sara looks back over her life with Gil as she deals with her heartbreak - SAD-SAD-SAD GSR x


_A/N: *WARNING* This is extremely sad! Do not read on if you are looking for fluff because you will NOT find it!_  
><em>so I was discussing heartbreak with my dear friend 'DearSweetPaperCut' last night and I had this outpouring of emotion. I wasn't sure where it was going or how it would end but this is the end result. I shed more than a few tears when I wrote this and I wasn't going to publish but… well I think its beautiful, heartbreaking and honest and I hope you agree with me.<em>

_Charli xx_

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><p>Dearest Gil,<p>

I can still remember the very moment I knew I was in love with you.

It might seem ridiculously silly now but I had a realization, no more like an epiphany one day as we strolled along the beach in San Francisco. It wasn't a terribly romantic moment, there wasn't really any reason for me to be suddenly looking at you differently but I did. We stood staring into the middle distance for a while and I shivered. I remember because you slung your jacket over my shoulders, you were always a gentleman. The reaction I had to that physical contact, although it was only a second, was enough.

I knew from the second I met you we were kindred spirits but in that moment, that tiny insignificant moment a spark lit a fire and I knew, I just knew it was meant to be you. I tried to deny it, tried to bury the feelings but every email that sat in my inbox made my heat soar, even though they were usually a run of the mill weekly insight into the life of Gil Grissom I hungrily devoured every word and longed for more. It might seem a little pathetic to you, to anyone in fact but you were my addiction. Nothing I could do would suppress it; no amount of midnight lectures within my own tormented mind would let me give you up.

Then the phone call came. I was out on a case that day, did I ever tell you that? I was crouched down over a body, crawling with bugs and I was thinking about you. Not that that was terribly unusual, my colleges had picked up on my meaningful stares into the middle distance. They called it 'That Sara look' they didn't know it was really 'the Grissom look'.

Well the 'Sara look' was in full force when my cell phone broke my concentration, I almost leaped out of my skin when your name lit the caller ID. I was suddenly like a teenage girl, jittery, nervous and completely over-excited. I cursed my own adolescence. I should have known better, I don't know why I ever expected anything but stoic professionalism from you but I did. I always did. I always felt like we were just teetering over the edge of professionalism. Like we were peering over into the abyss but we were both too scared to take that leap of faith.

If I'd known it would have taken so long for you to follow I'm not sure I would have taken that step. They all told me to stay, my co-workers, my friends they all told me I was being foolish, acting like a lovesick puppy and I was destined to come back with my tail between my legs. They were almost right, so many times I sat in my tiny apartment staring at 4 walls and wondering why I had given it all up for you. I had been foolish, looking back I was completely pathetic and I don't blame you for keeping your distance.

I never did, I understood. A lot of people would have given up long before I did, a lot of people would have moved on and found someone else who would make them happy. It's very easy to say that of course, too easy. You got under my skin, a lot more than anyone else ever had. You infected me entirely, there was no escape. My heart, my mind, my soul, my entire being was yours. Every time I began to break away and find myself again you somehow pulled me back in.

It wasn't until I tore myself away that you came looking for me though. I made a promise to myself when I came back after that shameful night at the police station; I decided I had hit it. That elusive rock bottom people talked about and you were there when I did. You were there to see me broken and shattered and completely void of self-esteem, you were there. _Really_ there like you had been all those years ago. Again it wasn't a huge gesture that struck me in that moment, it wasn't an earth shattering kiss or a declaration of love it was a single look. One look and a squeeze on my hand and I swore to myself that I would never get there again. I couldn't get there again, not for me but for you. I saw something in your eyes that day I never wanted to see again, I saw pity. It made me sick.

I burnt my skin in the shower that night, the water scalded me as it ran over my back but I still didn't feel clean. Every time I closed my eyes I saw yours, I saw that pity that turned the knot in my stomach just that little bit tighter and I was afraid to go to sleep. Afraid that I would see it again and again. It wouldn't be the first time I had tied myself in knots in the middle of the night because of my tormented dreams, it wouldn't be the first time you haunted me but it would be the first time I'd see that look from _you_ of all people.

So I ran, I got out my running gear and I ran for hours and hours. I must have covered miles the music blaring in my ears and the pavement pounding under my feet and I didn't know where I was going. I had no control I just went where my feet took me because for once I wasn't thinking. I had been drinking to stop my fevered brain from overthinking everything but I didn't need to, I needed to run. I needed to be free because when I was around you I wasn't free. Not back then anyway.

Of course, it wasn't only conscious thought that drew me to you, apparently even my subconscious needed to be near you. My body ached to go to you, to cry on your shoulder and feel your arms around me but I couldn't do it. I had degraded myself enough for a lifetime, I threw myself down on the grass outside your apartment and I stared at the stars. They glittered and glistened in the clear night sky, I couldn't see things like this from my apartment, or maybe I wasn't really looking. It seemed I was missing a lot those days.

So although my body took me to your door and my heart took me to your bed my mind knew I was broken. I promised myself that night that I would never, ever do this to myself again. I made a promise to you too, I promised to be honest with you from then on. No matter how hard it was, no matter how much I wanted the ground to swallow me up I would tell you the truth.

It came back to bite me a couple of times, you have this need to push me when I close down. It's like you see me pulling down the shutters and suddenly realize you want to see what's in the windows. I can't say it didn't pay off, I became me again. Not the me who obsessed over every single word you had ever said to me but the me who was happy and flirty and easy going. Honesty wasn't all that difficult once I got used to it, bottling everything up was over-rated and telling all my problems to Greg got tiring after a while. For him and for me.

I remember the night you took the leap of faith like it was yesterday, I remember opening my door to find you standing there looking so terribly lost like I probably did that night I went for my run. If I had knocked on your door you would probably have welcomed me into your home and made me a coffee and listened to me pouring out my soul. All I could do when I saw you there was laugh, how ridiculous that I found it so funny that you were there. You looked so hurt at first, so confused by my reaction that I thought you were going to turn around and leave. But you didn't you did the one thing I never expected you to ever do.

I don't know what I thought it would be like kissing you but I had wholly underestimated the way you would make me buckle at the knees and sigh like some kind of melodramatic 1940's damsel in distress. I still have no idea what brought you to my door that night and I'm not sure I really want to. The truth is that moment will forever be etched into my soul as one of the most romantic experiences of my life and I think if I asked you to explain it then it would be ruined.

The next two years were the most magical time for me, I felt like a flower that had been kept in a darkened room, I was finally brought out into the sunshine and I could bloom. I could open my eyes and see colors again, I could feel the breeze in my hair and the sun on my skin, and I was alive. More alive than I had been for years anyway and Natalie almost took that away.

I was so scared under that car, I wasn't scared of dying, I was scared of losing you, and I was scared that I might never feel your thumb brushing over my cheek again or taste your lips. That's when knew I really, _really_ loved you. I had been sure I loved you before but I fought my way out of that car, I fought my way across the desert and I wanted to give up. I really did, so many times I wanted to just lie down and sleep, I wanted to let the buzzards recycle my body to the earth but every time I closed my eyes I saw you. Not with those pitying eyes but with those eyes you saved just for me, those soft, clear blue eyes that sunk right into my soul with the love in them.

I don't remember being found, I don't remember the hospital or the helicopter or the preceding few days I just remember squeezing your hand and I remember the nightmares. I remember waking every night in a cold sweat to find you stroking my hair and telling me it would be ok but it wasn't. I didn't think it would ever be ok and while I had made a promise to be honest with you I had also made a promise that I would never let you see me break again. I had to go; I wish I hadn't left you. I wish you had come after me, although I told you not to and swore I was ok. I wish I had been there for you when Warrick died. I was there to see you break but I didn't stick around to build you back up because I was still building myself up, I was weak and when two people are weak there is no scenario there that would end well. We would have both broken, tearing the other one down with them until neither of us knew who we were anymore.

Your savior was your work, mine was my solitude and eventually when you were strong you came to me. As strange as it sounds I thought my heart would break when I saw you there. It just couldn't take the level of emotion poured upon it in that moment, your kisses evaporated on my lips and I didn't think I could ever let you go. In a way I never did, in my mind we are still standing there in the middle of the jungle with our arms around each other dancing to our very own song, oblivious to everything else.

I had suspected your proposal had been your way to pull me out of my depression, I figured that by leaving the way I did I had given you the perfect get out clause but you slid that ring onto my finger and made me Mrs. Grissom on a sun kissed beach with the sound of the waves and the birds serenading us. I still twist the ring around my finger and I can hear those sounds, I can smell the flowers and the freshly fallen rain, I can feel the sunshine beating down on us. People said we couldn't make it work, people said we put too many miles between us to call it a real marriage but it was real to us. Every single second we spent together was special and although the goodbyes became harder every time it made the hello's that little bit sweeter.

I couldn't have predicted the next turn our lives would take; I don't think anyone could have. A tiny insignificant moment once again changed the entire course of our lives. When I took that case there was no way to know that I would become so involved, a young girl needed a shoulder to cry on of course and who was I to turn her down. I didn't know she would escape from foster care and show up on my doorstep soaked through with rain and trembling. I didn't realize that fate was putting its master plan into full effect and that within 6 months we wouldn't only have Kelly living with us but her expanding stomach too.

We had gone from being a long distance couple to being a fully-fledged family in under a year and she wasn't the last troubled child to grace our doorstep. We welcomed a steady stream of children into our home, we built them up, we encouraged their creativity and uniqueness, we taught them about bugs and DNA and the wonders of science and we taught them about love. Most of all we taught them together and while they came to us as broken as we were to begin with they left with an entirely different outlook on life and that all important virtue of hope.

That was a chaotic time, I would never have imagined myself as a foster carer, and I hated the very suggestion of it. I had had a terrible time on the receiving end of such homes but with you by my side I felt like I could climb Everest blindfolded. It turned out to be one of the happiest times in my life.

When you got sick I couldn't bear it. It started off small, you would forget to feed the dog or leave the door open but my concern grew every day. Little things like stuttering when you tried to tell me something interesting or pausing midway through a sentence as though you had never started and it frustrated you so much more than you admitted to me at first. I gradually watched the light go out in your eyes. The worst part was admitting it to myself, I held on to that love for so long even after it was gone, even after you'd forgotten who I was. I could still look into your eyes and see you clear as the day I met you, I could still feel your arms around me even when you were pushing me away, I could still hear your voice reciting sonnets and glorious poetry even when you were spitting horrible insults my way.

Sometimes I wished the light would go off completely, it would have been easier than dealing with your heartache when you found yourself again. The sorrow you expressed almost hurt me more than the abuse. I could deal with it, I had the reserves, the strength and the love to cope but you, you were wasting. You were losing what made you distinctly you and you knew you were, you knew what was happening and you fought so hard, you fought to remain the solid, dependable, loving husband you thought I deserved but what you didn't realize is that you already were. You always were. To me you were always everything I had dreamed of.

To me you could never be anything less than perfect, no matter what.

I held your hand in those last moments; I clutched it the way you used to clutch mine. I pressed it against my heart as my tears soaked your fingers and I whispered my promise to you again as your hand became limp and cold. I promised to always be honest with you, I promised to ever leave your side which is why I found it so hard to let you go. I sat there for hours, long after your soul had left the room, I could almost feel you whispering in my ear telling me to let go, I could feel your breath brushing my neck and your hands rest on my shoulders but when I looked you weren't there. I knew you weren't there but hope and love could do strange things to a person.

I can't remember your funeral although I imagine you found the whole thing completely pointless and ridiculous. I spent the day in some kind of catatonic state, being guided around by Greg as strangers shook my hand and muttered condolences. I didn't know half of them; I looked at them through tear strained eyes and wondered why they felt the need to acknowledge your death when they had never acknowledged your life. I didn't understand how they could stand at the procession and watch your coffin pass them by with somber expressions and then stand outside and smile and laugh. It seemed surreal to me, it seemed wrong.

They were all there though, every single child who had passed through our home. Every single child you had helped and they all knew what a loss you were, they all knew how tragic it was and how lost I would be. They knew more than most because they were too.

I didn't know what to do after that Gil, I really didn't, you had been everything in my life for so long and I was suddenly empty. I thought I had prepared myself well. I thought if I told myself it would all be ok then eventually it had to be but it wasn't I had nothing, nothing at all without you. It turns out everything reminds me of you, every single thing I own has suddenly taken on a huge significance and reminds me in some way of you. Of the way you used to sit or that smile or the way you would turn the pages of your book or grudgingly speak on the phone. Greg tried his best, he would turn up with food and wine and that smile of his and at first I would grudgingly let him in but soon he just reminded me of you too.

I had another epiphany you see, I may be older now and infinitely wiser than I was then but when I found myself unable to close my eyes because I was haunted by you I took to the street again. The streets are a different place now Gil, a lot different from the first time I pounded these pavements to escape my tormented mind but I came to the same conclusion. I wasn't looking.

This time my body didn't take me to your door, that would have been pointless. Our home was exactly the place I had been avoiding, this time my body took me to the place my heart yearned to be. Your plaque shone under the moonlight, you would have liked it. It was simple but beautiful, a fitting tribute to a brilliant man. The flowers were still gathered at my feet as I fell to my knees, I wondered if my tears would make them bloom differently, if maybe the sorrow expressed in them would make their petals droop instead of stretch towards the glorious sunshine.

When was the last time I wrote to you Gil? I honestly can't remember, we get lost in our own little worlds, in our own routines and lives that simple things like writing a letter get forgotten. I still cherish every letter you gave to me; I always loved the way you wrote. Your words seemed to dance off the page and I could just imagine your voice speaking the words. I guess that's what I was most afraid of, what if I started to forget, what if one day I closed my eyes and I didn't see your face?

So when I found myself beside you again, when my heart was broken and unrepairable I decided to write to you one last time. Sometimes the things we say with our lips just don't take on the same magnitude as the things we write down in print, sometimes our words come out wrong as they are lost to the air, and these words are true. These words mean everything to me and although they might be washed away by my tears I hope that wherever you are you realize just how much you meant to me because that is all I live for, I live for you because even if I don't believe in the afterlife if there is even a slim chance that you are out there looking down on us all I promised you you wouldn't see me break again.

And I could never break a promise to the man I loved. The only man I have ever loved and the only man I ever will.

Faithfully,

Your wife,

Sara x


End file.
